Because I've been feeling pretty bad and my out look on life has been bleak. I know that there are things in my life that exist that should ground be, you know, my blessings. And I believe in God since Friday with Irene, I've had to mantra that He would not give me anything that I couldn't handle. He wouldn't set me in situations that I would fail in, and disappoint in the long run. Although I have disappointed and failed a lot.
I've still come out at the end. Breathing, if battered, bruised, and bloody in a soul way.
Well Saturday is where it began when the power surged and I thought to myself that our electric was in danger of being cut off. At any given moment. So! I give them a call, to tell them that I could put a little something on it. If I could, you know, to just stop them from cutting us off. Well, no such luck. But when I call my mother to get my credit card number (absolute last resort) and tell her the reason I need it.....Well, she saves us once again. And I feel, really terrible about it.
I always need to be saved. Even if I'm trying to brave something myself, others see that it's clearly an impossiblity for me to pull out. And so, they save me. And I feel thankful, truly. But I also feel really, really bad.
Well in rolls Sunday. I'm not sure if I'm going into work or not, because I just don't know what to do. And I call and call and call and finally Stanley answers. He's at work. I've got an hour to get there myself. Wake up Alex, wash and get dress, change Seth and get him dressed. Half hour till clock in time. Ring! Ring! Stanley, I'm going to be late. I'm on my way, but I'm going to be late! Harta family! C'mon. Alex, can you drive me straight in? Thanks, sorry about this craziness!
Car start fail...fail 2..fail 3....Oh no..What the heck? Why!? Fail 4...Pause. START!! Shift in gear...vroom! VROOOM! Shudder shudder lurch....Not passing 20mph....Shudder shudder lurche jerk! Stanley....the car wasn't starting, and now it won't go faster than 20mph. I'm sorry. No, you probably won't see me today. *feeling monsterously terrible because she's the only associate for Sunday, therefore making it only her and Stanley. Feeling like a huge failure and disappointment* Turn around for home and email Jim. I'm sorry! Explaination! Maybe I can do this instead....I don't know what to do. *silent grade of meltdown and panic* Hours tick by. Constantly checking for new emails. Email from Jim! Dreading, dreading...Okay...we'll talk Tuesday. Enter giant cloud of doom to storm over my head.
My melt down continues. And will not cease until Wednesday, when Tuesday's over. Actually, my nerves had calmed down some what, but I'm back to feeling monsterously scared writing this...
And so, I'm going to listen to Incubus. And let them enter my heart just as I let the Gospel I found and downloaded enter my heart, reminding me of the Almighty, how He's watching over me. How He will always be there for me. Except, they're speaking to me in another language. One of complex poerty with the backdrop of delightfully soulful rock beats....
Take me away.
If there is anything, or rather anyone, none Gospel that could enter my heart, my soul with music, it is Incubus. I'm listening to the first song on their new CD for the first time, and my God. Brandon's voice sent this feeling of uplifting in my heart that spread through my chest and just jolted me with hope and energy.